I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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