There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize