so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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