Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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