Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
