i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
