My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
