After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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