Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
