The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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