meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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