Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
