God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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