The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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