I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
