i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
