Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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