I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
