She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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