No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
