My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
