Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
