i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
