You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
