i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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