I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
