dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
