pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Who died my cat blue again?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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