Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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