I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
