And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
