Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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