I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
