these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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