Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
