and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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