I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
