got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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