I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
