you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
