Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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