just tell him i said nine months
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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