I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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