You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
