I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
