piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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