How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
