Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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