I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize