Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
