yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
