I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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