the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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