Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
