there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
