the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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