Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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