ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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