do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
cat food counts as protein by the way
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
