i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Of course I have a pirate flag
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
