lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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