My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
