I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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