I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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