Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
