my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i will never coherently bang her
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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